“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
set yourself free xox
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.