TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Great game to play with friends
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.