Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
⛄️
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.