[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.