Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
We need to put an American base on the sun
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’