Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Not today
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!