probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
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I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
It be like that sometimes 😆
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!