Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
can’t catch a break
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Breaking news:
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.