ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant