Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
the way this pissed me off… 😭
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)