The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid