I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.