Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“you recording!?”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My spirit animal is fried chicken