Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this