(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.