accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.