Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
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It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
what’s the point then??
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Everyone’s family
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.