her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You Might Also Like
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
#Caturday
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.