Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Dammit Chief not again
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect