me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
you will never know the true number of layers
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault