We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.