It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*