Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”