I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I want to meet the individual who made this
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her