the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
😩😩😩
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.