The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*has no idea what a book even is*