Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.