What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
😂😂😂
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.