GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.