It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My life in a nutshell
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.