It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Google assistant rules
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Love this guy
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.