Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.