Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Dune (2021)
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
much to think about