I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!