One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Duolingo getting serious.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.