Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Accurate
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*