The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Who called it baking and not making love
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
your honor my client chooses dare