Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
#CoronaOutbreak
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.