I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.