I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly