Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom