Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!