Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands