[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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I wish this was real life…
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Rather alarming headline…
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Canada has crack?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?