Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.