therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Ron is short for Aaronald
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.