birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
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ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?