I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
それは草
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.