My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
We’ve come full circle
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*