My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-